A consumer guide to living longer through science
By Christian Cotroneo
Longevity junkies rejoice. From cloning to cryogenics to cosmetic surgery, science is helping us live longer, look good and feel . . . like we look good.
But the new science is for consumers, not eggheads. Don’t expect any atom-splitting, light-bending leaps forward. After centuries of human advancement, science is finally getting into human enhancement.
And the ultimate enhancement is immortality.
The Web site for the Human Cloning Foundation claims cloning “can take a 65-year-old and turn the age of that person back to zero — to the one-cell stage. It is not unreasonable to expect that in the future we can turn the age of the 65-year-old back to 25!”
Forget death. Forget birth. Forget sex. But don’t forget your wallet.
This top-tier procedure could cost as much as $3 million. And you can forget about the afterlife. The Pope will have none of it.
“Methods that fail to respect the dignity and value of the person must always be avoided,” he declared recently.
But at 80-something, the prickly pontiff has let himself go.
Imagine what an army of popes could have done for creationism, pro-life and church attendance. A pope for every church!
He need only have visited Richard Seed, a renegade American physicist and a prophet of the new science.
“I have said many times that you can’t stop science. Cloning is the first serious step in becoming one with God,” he said in an interview with CNN.
And for an ungodly sum, Seed will clone all comers, despite prohibitions in the U.S., Canada and 13 European countries.
But if you’re only prohibited by your pocketbook, try a second-tier procedure like cryogenic preservation. Essentially, the process lets us enjoy every precious second of life. Just think of last weekend’s filet mignon. Exquisite, yet very rich. Half went to the dog.
Cryogenics ensures that very rich people don’t go to waste. They’re frozen so future generations can enjoy them later. Even Walt Disney, our great Western philosopher, is rumoured to be on ice. Imagine the once and future king is in an ageless Avalon, ready to Disnify the world all over again.
If we could only figure out how to defrost him.
There’s the rub. No one has successfully returned from cold storage. Worse, humans occasionally get freezer burn, as cells tend to leak water when frozen. Crystals form between them causing irreversible damage. For the savvy shopper, this can only mean one thing: bargain!
You can chill with some companies for only $120,000 US. If you’re on a shoestring, just give them your brain and save $70,000.
Anything less than that, and you’re looking at third-tier options.
Here, longevity junkies rely on a medley of procedures.
Rearing children has always been a good bet for dynastic immortality. And thanks to recent medical breakthroughs, child-bearing can be convenient — at any age. Researchers, such as Dr. Kutluk Oktay in New York, are reversing menopause and extending child-bearing years well into old age.
This could be exactly what retirees have been waiting for. Bored of puttering around in the garden? Try cultivating children and then conveniently die before having to reap the troublesome teenage harvest. Children can heap glory on your name, but they can also bury it in shame. Worse, they’ve been known to cause premature wrinkles.
True glamour pusses go under the knife. Cosmetic surgery won’t add years to your life. It might even take a few away. In fact, it’s a lot like eating rubber and never being allowed to digest it. But that’s beside the point. When you wrinkle, you might as well be dead.
Aging Hollywood starlets show us the way, roaming the earth embalmed in silicone while a slavish press fawns over their “timeless beauty.”
There’s a fourth option, but it’s more like a caste than a tier. Very ugly, but very cheap. It’s simple: Let yourself go. Age. Then die.
Greta Garbo tried to pull this off in the ’80s. Insisting upon declining naturally, she died with dignity. And wrinkles. Not a pretty corpse.
“Pretty” is a trillion-dollar industry that rubberizes, refrigerates and impregnates the elderly — a new science that splices genes to make sure you don’t split yours.