By Diana Gee-Silverman
Over the course of their 27-year marriage, Dave and Sally have had hundreds of sexual partners. They’re swingers in Ottawa – and they’re not alone.
Dave and Sally (not their real names) say swinging has strengthened their relationship. Having many lovers has brought them closer together and improved their sex life.
“This is our hobby. Some people go fishing. Some people go snowmobiling. Our hobby is our lifestyle,” Dave says.
Modern swinging originated in Germany. Military units who served in World War II were chiefly responsible for bringing the culture back to North America. Couples swapped keys in hats, fishbowls, or even just spread out on the floor. These “key clubs” became swap parties frequented by “swappers,” now called swingers. Swinging is often referred to as “the lifestyle.”
Dave and Sally began swinging only one year after tying the knot. Dave says many couples spend months or years thinking about it before getting involved.
Their first experience was with some neighbours while living in Europe. They were fellow card players, then one night they found a new intimacy. Although they started swinging by approaching friends and neighbours, Dave wouldn’t suggest that tactic now.
“We’ve destroyed a few friendships,” Dave says. “It’s much easier to make your lovers into friends than your friends into lovers.”
Swinging is their way to relax after a five or six-day work week. The couple owns a business and Sally works as a security guard.
In their spare time they operate two of the five swing clubs in the capital region – The Capital Couples Club, or C3, and the 4Play Club. They have 1,600 members in their database. Although they charge admission, they don’t profit from the clubs.
This late January night, 13 couples have signed up for a 4Play party. In preparation, Dave and Sally are hosting a three-hour seminar for people interested in joining their club. Two new couples have come to this up-scale downtown hotel suite to learn what to expect.
For one, Dave assures them, they won’t have to check their clothes at the door. This is not that type of club.
Newcomer Eric, a business owner from a small-town in Quebec, brings up the possibility of jealousy.
It’s a common fear, Sally says. Eric and his wife Sophie have been considering swinging for years. Sophie still seems a little hesitant. She doesn’t say much for the first hour.
Dave and Sally have invited Tina and Serge, a young couple who have been swinging for three years, to help answer questions.
“It’s healthy to be nervous at first,” Tina says. The first party they went to she was so anxious she spent an hour in the bathroom beforehand throwing up. Body image was her biggest concern. Now she’s one of the most active members of the club.
“My advice for new couples is to leave the love at the door,” Tina says. “After that it’s fun. It’s a safe environment to live out fantasies.”
Gino and Ginette have been married for 11 years, and swinging for one month. They have mixed feelings about their first experience with another couple but are excited about coming to a hotel event.
After three hours of question and answer, the newcomers get ready to leave. All of them say they’ll be back later for the party. “I liked the seminar. It gives you a heads up,” Gino says.
With 31 floors and hundreds of rooms, the hotel offers the anonymity swingers need. Dave has a 20-year career in the military behind him, which makes him very conscious of how sensitive individuals are about secrecy and their jobs.
The number one fear among new swinger couples is meeting someone they know at a party, Dave explains. It happens occasionally, but there is little embarrassment because both couples are there for the same reason. One couple met their aunt and uncle. Dave and Sally met a long-time supplier.
The two have been actively spreading the lifestyle word in several media. They are writing a book, The Practical Guide to Swinging, which they plan to self-publish soon. Their website has been online for seven years and gets 10,000 hits per year from around the world.
Dave and Sally just added an extensive message board, mainly aimed at newcomers. It was this board that convinced Eric and his wife to attend the seminar.
C3 and 4Play are couples-only clubs. Singles are not even allowed in the door unless they are accompanied by a couple and enter as a three-some. They’re also primarily straight couples. Approximately 80 per cent of the women engage in bisexual activity, and only 30 per cent of the men do (usually only in private).
Some swingers use condoms, others don’t. None of the swingers interviewed for this article acknowledged having contracted a sexually transmitted disease.
Dave and Sally go for regular sexual health check-ups. They joke that nurses are always amazed at their track record.
Although alcohol is present, no drugs are permitted, and there is a lifetime ban for bad behaviour.
“The police have more problems with the local pool hall,” Dave says.
Swing clubs are legal as long as they operate as members only. Having to show valid ID and bring their partner with them keeps out cheaters and escorts posing as spouses, Dave says.
Since attending hotel parties regularly can be costly (at an average of $50 per couple), many swingers also have gatherings in their homes. Joe, a 32-year-old massage therapist, has been swinging with his wife for three years, mostly at private parties.
Joe says the greatest misconception about swingers is that “there’s something wrong with people involved in the lifestyle.”
In fact, if Dave and Sally’s clubs are any indication, swingers come from all walks of life, with many in the mid to upper income bracket. Dave rattles off the list of occupations at his parties: “Doctors, lawyers, CSIS staff, airline pilots, nurses, homemakers, military…”
All occupations, sizes and shapes are represented in the lifestyle. Serge, an average-looking young man, convinced his new wife to start swinging after seeing an ad for a lifestyle club in a magazine. Now, he says his shyness has all but disappeared.
“To me, the best thing about parties is not the sex, but the fact that you’re surrounded by like-minded people,” Serge says.