Lust is easy, love is hard. Or so the expression goes.
It really doesn’t take much thought or strength of character to have sex with someone you’re attracted to –what’s really difficult is waiting for your marriage bed.
Saving sex for marriage probably seems like a completely outlandish idea, and though waiting might not be easy, it certainly pays off –most significantly, it strengthens marriages.
Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone strengthens your bond with him or her, whether you’re married or not. But there are limited times this bond can form.
Promiscuity breeds apathy towards the significance of sex; for some people having sex becomes as routine and commonplace as brushing their teeth.
Premarital sex makes it difficult to evaluate other aspects of your relationship. How can you establish how committed the other person is when you’re both rolling in the hay?
With so many marriages breaking up, many are questioning the value of the institution in the first place.
But the words, ‘till death do us part’ used to mean something; and it is difficult to argue against the fact that strong marriages are good for society. After all, devoting your life to someone else, and potentially to your future children, is the ultimate act of altruism.
Before the sexual revolution of the 1960’s, sex primarily took place within marriage. Couples would have some extra motivation to work harder on keeping the marriage together. This ‘no sex before marriage’ mantra also encouraged couples to more fully evaluate their compatibility with each other before making a life-long commitment, without sexual experiences skewing their view.
There are some who think the more you can ‘practice’ sex the better lover you will be to a potential spouse. But this view of sex as a sport leads to insecurity and a comparison between past partners (this insecurity probably pays the salaries of all the writers at Cosmopolitan, not to mention all those ridiculous penis enhancement surgeries).
Sex is emotionally binding and sometimes a couple can have strong sexual chemistry but aren’t compatible in other areas of their life.
While you can ride the thrill for a while, when this initial attraction wears off, the result is fighting, misunderstanding and often divorce.
Waiting for marriage reduces the chances you will end up with the wrong person.
Though many children raised by single parents turn out as healthy, mature and well-adjusted adults, it is clear to most observers that the nuclear family provides the best environment for raising children.
Exercising some self-control by waiting also builds self-esteem as well as trust within the couple: you feel that you are worth waiting for and you respect the person you are with enough to wait for them too.
If partners can trust each other to wait, they can be more confident that they will be faithful within a marriage. If you cannot resist temptation before marriage what is to say you will be able to once you’ve tied the knot?
Conversely, sex only within marriage strengthens the bond between the couple and in the long run would probably reduce the divorce rate.
Though it is true that ‘abstinence only’ sex-ed has resulted in more unplanned pregnancies, just because the southern states are doing it wrong doesn’t mean it’s an entirely bad idea.
The key is to change the way we think about sex and sex-education.
Abstinence taught without educating young people about the consequences of sex and laying out all the options results in confusion, and this may provoke rebellion.
However, giving out all the facts and allowing young people to make their own educated choices about sex makes it possible for them to choose the higher road.
By choosing a spouse first and having sex later, you can build a marriage on love, not lust and increase the chances it will last, for richer or poorer, for better or worse.
And those old couples that still hold hands and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes? I bet if you asked them, they would say they waited.