By Jessalyn Randall
As a child of two divorces, I have to admit that I despise studies on divorce. The findings always point out why you’re different. It doesn’t matter to researchers that you never had control over the very thing that makes you worth studying.
Inevitably, the study results are negative.
Recent books say the repercussions include everything from low self-esteem to higher incidences of drug addiction. Some suggest that children never recover and others say that the worst effects arise in adulthood. Still others say that divorced children are really no different, especially from those raised in single-parent families.
Judith Wallerstein from the University of California is the latest sociologist to draw controversy. Her studies show children of divorce have difficulty forming intimate and lasting relationships. They marry later and divorce more often.
Wallerstein’s solution is for parents to stay together, no matter what. Even difficult marriages emotionally nurture children, she says.
It’s not a groundbreaking theory – remember the ‘50s? Back then, most people believed divorce to be synonymous with quitting. And many still think it should only be a last resort.
Hardly anyone sees divorce in a positive light, and that makes me one of the few.
Parents who are constantly tense or fighting cannot provide a nurturing environment. Besides, how many children whose parents “stuck it out” have truly happy relationships?
Putting your own happiness first teaches your children to do the same. They will grow up avoiding unsatisfying relationships, especially the ones born out of fear of being alone.
I would be the first to agree that divorce makes for a difficult childhood – more so than the average nuclear family.
But the divorced child also learns a variety of coping methods, becoming a more resilient adult. I grew up learning how to depend on myself and how to deal with any situation.
Most importantly, children of divorce learn not to settle.
Maybe this means waiting until middle life to find that serious, committed relationship.
Maybe this means not diving head first into a romantic ideal of marriage – only to find shattered illusions, unfulfilled expectations and ultimately, unhappiness.
Children learn the importance of honesty when parents refuse to play along and pretend that everything is fine. And yes, they can tell when you’re pretending.
Open communication is far healthier than a lifetime of tension and unresolved issues bubbling beneath the appearance of perfection.
Of course, along with every other kid whose parents didn’t make it, I often wonder what it would have been like to have a “regular family.”
But the truth is, I’m glad I didn’t. This way, I know the real people underneath “mom” and “dad.” I’ve learned to respect them and the lessons they’ve taught me have proved invaluable.
Nothing is gained by pretending. I can achieve anything I want in life. I deserve to be happy. And I should never, ever settle for anything less.