By Chris Clarke
The initial looks were odd, the comments, strangely uncomforting. Sharp, awkard pauses and then a single cautious phrase to test the ice: “Is that a good thing?”
This was the typical response to the announcement of my impending fatherhood at the age of 23.
The looks weren’t mean-spirited. They were just quizzical, the looks of people trained to delay breeding until careers are established and apartment lofts stocked with fine wines, nice furniture and tasteful art. Bachelor(ette)hood, casual sex, childless relationships: according to Statistics Canada, these are the norms Canadians follow until they reach the age of 30.
“In the last third of the century, Canadians got married progressively later in life,” states the 1996 Statistics Canada Census.
In the case of first marriages, one-quarter of women walk down the isle for the first time after the age of 30. A third of men waited until 30. By 1997, the average age for all brides was 31 years; for grooms, 33 years.
Childless marriages are also on the rise, according to Statistic Canada, couples without children account for over a third of all families. On the other hand, common-law couples with children make up five per cent of all families in Canada.
Flash forward nine months and I find myself — a young, common-law father working towards his degree – a statistical minority.
Ottawa currently has a handful of programs dedicated to helping new fathers become better parents but many are skewed towards the dark side of male parenting such as anger management or coping with childhood sexual abuse.
While it’s true many community centres do offer programs for fathers, when compared to the number of programs available to mothers, it seems there is far less importance placed on fatherhood development.
This is not solely a new father issue, though. It’s also an issue of challenging the systemic roots of parenting where men are still seen as the principal provider and women as the principal caregiver.
Over the last 20 years steps have been taken by men and women towards entering child-rearing on equal footing: for example, dual income households, stay at home dads. However, while social and economic conditions continue to converge there are many steps still to take.
“There are a number of contradictory messages fathers get,” says Alan Mirabelli, executive director of the Vanier Institute of the Family. Mirabelli cites workplace pressure on fathers to dedicate more time to their employers as an example where “it’s not okay to be a father.”
Another example is the complaint by mothers that men don’t help out around the house, but when fathers do help, they are criticized by mothers when the quality of their work doesn’t meet the same standards as their female counterpart. It discourages fathers from helping further.
“Flexibility is needed in this culture,” says Mirabelli. “That’s not a message this country has been sending out for the last 25 years.”
The Father Involvement Research Alliance, a nationwide cooperative of institutions, organizations and experts studying the changing aspects of fatherhood in the 21st century hopes to change this message.
Kerry Daly, FIRA co-chair, has studied the evolving nature of fatherhood for over 15 years and says Canada must reexamine its practice of associating good parenting with good mothering because it undermines the ability for parents to meet on an equal parenting ground.
“I don’t think men can be good mothers but they can be good fathers,” says Daly.
“One of the goals of the FIRA project is to open up conversations within the culture at large over the roles of fatherhood.”
Daly says many new parents become overwhelmed by anxiety when due dates loom closer and revert back into these embedded gender roles. He says our culture further reinforces these traits when it holds fathers accountable for failing to provide economic security and mothers accountable when aspects of care fail. One step to repairing this problem is getting the workplace to adapt: today, only one in 10 men takes parental leave.
Daly says it takes courage to take time off work to raise a child if you are male. But the trend is up three per cent over the last two years, said Daly.
Mirabelli says the shift towards fathers playing a greater role is tied to this new era of late marriages, higher education and firmly-established careers. Due to stable employment and maturity, older fathers may be better suited both economically and socially to take an active role in the raising of their children – rather than just taxiing children to and from soccer practice. “Now, fathers enter into childrearing wanting to be a father,” Mirabelli says. “Fatherhood not in title, but action.”
I believe I now understand those quizzical looks: they are from a culture asked to reexamine the roots of its gender politics within the home. I cannot be the provider because I am still in school. I am, therefore, irresponsible. The looks say only poor, uneducated people have babies without careers in place. The place of young men is drinking not caregiving.
Who knew rocking a child to sleep was a political act.