The sports beat
By Jeremy Sandler
Throughout 1999 it’s been easier finding Alexei Yashin appreciation banners at the Corel Centre than avoiding best of the century lists.
These things are popping up faster than zits on a high-school age fry cook and are just as plentiful.
Marking the top 10, 50 or 100 plays, athletes, moments or concession stand specials of the past 100 years, these lists have been seen in nearly every sports publication.
It’s high time for a different kind of list. A selection of sports’ worst of the century, things that should just disappear forever when the clock hits midnight on New Year’s Eve.
This being the last Centretown News sports section of the millennium, it’s a fitting time to come up with a few things that, if they disappeared forever, the sporting world would be a better place.
Maybe the millennium bug can do us all a giant favour by ridding the world of the following three things.
When watching sports on television, nothing is worse than having your ears assaulted by blathering commentators seemingly oblivious of the fact you tuned in to watch the game, not to hear their stirring explanation of peanut-vending techniques and their relationship to winning games.
Included in the array of ways commentators get under viewers’ skin is by overusing the telestrator.
Used judiciously, it’s a useful tool for explaining certain plays and strategies, but it doesn’t have to be used on every play!
John Madden is by far the worst offender in this area. He’s actually used the telestrator to show what the “middle of the field” is. Soon he’ll be circling the ball so we’ll all know what he’s talking about when he uses that technical football term “pigskin.”
Thanks very much John, but everyone can spot the sweat stains on the linemen without you drawing yellow circles around them.
Come on, give those hands a little rest so they’re ready for the next time you’re on camera and want to punctuate the word “Boom!” by punching the air.
Next on the hit list are those celebration routines that would embarrass the Lords of the Dance. There is nothing wrong with an exuberant jump and holler after someone’s made an outstanding and important play, but when someone makes a meaningless first down when their team is trailing by 21 or scores a late third period goal to cut the deficit to an even half-dozen, the celebration should be muted to the point you don’t think they’re celebrating V-E day.
These guys would high five winning on the Titanic’s shuffleboard court because the iceberg’s impact gave them an extra 10 points.
Finally, God’s never made a hit, stopped a puck or thrown a block. The Lord’s work does not involve covering the spread.
This is not a diatribe against God or religion, merely against invoking the name of a supreme being as part of success in sports.
It isn’t a problem to pray for an injury-free game or offer thanks for the opportunity to play sports, but somehow it’s doubtful players forming a prayer circle before a field goal attempt are asking God to make sure the long-snapper doesn’t sprain his wrist. And how many times do you hear athletes thank God for a victory? “The Lord was with us today,” they’ll say. Does that mean the Lord was against the other team?
My God is involved in more important work than seeing who wins championship banners.
Sure, there are other problems with sports and the chances for these Y2K wishes coming true are the same as Don Cherry changing his dog’s name to Ulfie, but the new millennium is a new beginning and you can’t blame a guy for dreaming.
Happy holidays and the best of the new millennium to you.